The questions and answers
you are about to read were all posted on the OTUSUM COUNSELLING CLINIC WhatsApp
group at different times and on different occasions. Some questions were not
well constructed to portray a specific context, and that contributed to the
non-contextual nature of some of the answers that were given. Nevertheless, some
answers were pinned down to a particular context, while some were not. Also,
some answers were given in details while some were succinct.
can a female handle getting mixed signals from a guy especially the one she
likes and has an interest in?
"having mixed signals" here means that the female is assuming that
the guy loves her and has an interest in her. It could be that the guy is
innocent about it and has no plan of love. That seems like a common issue
female faces especially when they meet a guy that is nice, kind, and good. It's
even worse when the guy in question is not conscious of the female's love
emotions. There are many ways to handle this, depending on the circumstances
If the female loves and has an interest in
the guy who is giving the mixed signals, she should hide her feelings. It's
very important to hide that feeling of love and interest because the expression
of it may invite the guy who had no intention to love and bring him closer.
Some guys can take advantage of this and start a relationship that will not
last. One of the worse things that can happen to a female is for a guy to feel
loved and liked by her before the guy even pick interest in her. Therefore, if
the female can hide her love towards a guy she would stand a chance to be loved
by the guy if the guy finally shows up. Most times, hiding your love or
interest from the guy would make the love and interest to vanish away. This is
because sometimes the initial interest does not last and it's better it
The second thing I believe can be done is,
if the interest persists after a period of "hiding", the female can
talk to her mentor or counsellor or a responsible person about it.
Another thing that can be done is that, if
there are social freedom and security in the environment the female and the guy
are operating, the lady should observe if the guy has an interest in her, or if
the guy is in a relationship with another person. If no interest is found, or
if the guy is in a relationship, I think the female should help her life by
letting go of her interest.
Finally, my counsel is if a guy has not
proposed to a female, there is no need for the female to have an interest in
the guy. Forget all the mixed signals and pretend as if you don't observe it.
Maybe, the same guy is
giving five girls mixed signals. What's your fate if you continue to nurture
your interest in him? What are your chances of winning his love? Instead of
contesting for him, wait patiently for the real man to come. Remember, you are
not to arouse and awake love until the right time comes (Song of Solomon 2:7).
Keep your love for your husband, and don't mind his mixed signals!
can you overcome fear, fear of being rejected, fear of not trying anything you
are not sure about because of failure, how can I overcome all these fears?
is one of the negative emotions that often keep people stagnated in life. But
the Goodness is that there is a remedy for this. And what are the remedies? The
freedom from fear begins the moment one realizes that fear is his problem and
looks for a solution. The quick things I can add to that is that the individual
Find out the specific things that are
causing fears. Is it connected to what happened in the past? Have you had unpleasant
experiences in the past?
How does the fear manifest?
What have you done already to overcome the
How is the fear affecting your life?
What are the things you are unable to do
because of the fears?
I recommend that you read
my article titled “Solution to Fear” for detailed information on how to deal
with fear; https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=33
a situation where you have a friend who finds it difficult to talk to you when
he is angry especially when he is badly treated, I mean, when you do something
bad to the person unintentionally, he finds it difficult to talk to you,
instead, he keeps face and rather talk to others and make you look like you
don't exist, what do I do?
more like a general problem. Many people don't talk when they are angry while
others talk more in anger. The reason is just the different ways people express
their negative emotions. Keeping face, talking to others, and making you look
like you don't exist could be his way of punishing you for the bad things you
did to him. Neither his behaviour nor yours is perfect. So you may forgive
yourselves and move on!
Remember this: (4) “Love
is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not
proud. (5) Love is not rude, it is not selfish, and it cannot be made angry
easily. Love does not remember wrongs done against it. (6) Love is never happy
when others do wrong, but it is always happy with the truth.” (2 Corinthians 13:4-6).
a general note, you may handle it from your own perspective. That is, you may
avoid making him angry as much as possible. That would mean you avoiding doing
something bad to him. If that will not be possible, you can think of enduring
and tolerating the situation and that would mean love. But be sure that tolerance and endurance are what you can do for a lifetime
if you remain with him. Your efforts to change him may not work! You are
the one to change!
a situation whereby your boyfriend breaks up with you, but he still wants to be
your friend... what do you do?
boyfriend breaking up with you is fine! You have just been set free from
unnecessary bondage. Him trying to be your friend... Well, I think that
friendship may cause trouble if not handled with care. What if you end up in a
relationship with him again? Do you want to be in bondage again? I would like
you to read the articles I have written on boy-girl friendship; (1) https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=22;
(2) https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=23 (3)
about a situation whereby your partner wants to get married in three years’
time because he wants to settle some investment, not like he's not comfortable
enough to get married but just want to acquire more wealth, but you, in the
other hand, want to be married very soon. Like in a year's time. What will you
of you must be in agreement regarding when the marriage ceremony should take
place. Looking forward to marrying in one year's time is good if both of you
agree. It will cut off the stress of being in a long-term relationship.
However, one may wish to know the reason why you want to marry very soon. Is it
because of age? Is it pride? Are you ambitious? Are you competing with others?
Are you pregnant? Are you traveling out? Has the relationship lasted too long
already? There are too many critical questions that should be considered to
ascertain your motive. The reason you can give regarding why marriage should
happen in a year's time would help me to give further counsel. Above all, are
you certain about God's timing for the marriage? Are you afraid that if he
doesn't marry you in the next one year, he may change his mind? Or are you
afraid if you stay some more years you may fall?
It would be fine to
ascertain God's timing because God makes all things beautiful in its time
(Ecclesiastes 3:11). Whatever the case, two of you should have a concrete
agreement regarding when the marriage should take place and reasons should be
well known to all.
On the part of the man,
is it that the marriage ceremony he is planning to do is too expensive and he
needs to make some more money? Is it that bride price and marriage rites are
expensive in your area? Is it that the person is already having sexual
gratification and he is not in a hurry to do anything?
Sometimes, when intending
couples are already deriving joy and sexual satisfaction from each other, the
man may not consider marriage anytime soon. I know intending couples that have
been together before I met them in 2004. I spoke with them this month (April
2020) and the man told me he was planning to do a wedding next month, but that
the lockdown (as a way of contending the spread of COVID-19) has put it on
hold. I was just wondering how long they have been in a relationship and living
in immorality. The lady once told me that each time the man is planning to meet
her family, there would be a financial constraint. Hmmm, financial constraint?
The same man has bought more than one car and acquires many expensive
properties within the period they have been in a relationship. It then dawned
on me that the man is taking advantage of the fact that he is enjoying
everything he would have enjoyed in marriage. Therefore, he doesn't see the
need for marriage again. So the man is not in a hurry, but the woman is under self-pressure
to marry as her age is now increasing 'faster' than usual.
The point I'm making here
is that when one has given a man her body, soul, and spirit (sex) while the man
is yet to marry her, he may delay the marriage to his maximal convenience. Therefore,
wisdom demands that a woman holds those sweet things, including pet names until
she is married.
Still on this, some men
who do not normally want to marry someone they have been in a relationship
with, and are unable to communicate this to the woman, may look for flimsy
excuses to give and delay the marriage till the woman gets tired of waiting and
find her way out of the relationship. Whatever is the case, it is wise to read
the handwriting on the wall and interpret it well before a conclusion on who to
marry is reached.
Moreover, it is good to
find out the efforts that have been made since you guys agree to marry. I
believe that the people that have agreed to marry should be working towards
actualizing such a dream. That implies that, at least, there should be
tentative dates for meeting the families, mentors, religious leaders, and other
significant persons that will be recognized in the wedding ceremony. Estimate
and other planning protocols should be observed gradually. I would like to have
a one-on-one interaction with you to understand the true situation of your
question and give specific counsel. Wisdom is profitable!
should a man/woman who is under pressure to marry but he/she hasn't seen
his/her spouse do?
the man and woman should pray and wait upon the Lord; and the Bible says that
they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. Marriage is a lifetime
journey hence, it requires careful planning. It's best not to rush things now
and regret later. Moreover, a man or woman who is under pressure to marry
should seek wise counsel.
should someone who has three or more lovers, like all of them, and all of them
want to marry him/her do to choose the right partner?
will be easier if he/she has not had sex with all or a few of them. He/she
should ask God. Like previously said, the person should watch and pray. More
importantly, he/she should seek wise counsel. Again he/she should be willing to
let go all if none is meant to marry him/her after counselling.
do I know if the person I'm in a relationship with is the right person I should
Ask God and wait for His answer. If
you go by qualities, you may fail because most good men will have the qualities
you want, but it doesn't mean you can marry all of them. Again, some qualities
that are not built on truth are situation-specific. It may wither away. This is why the fundamental qualities
must not be ignored because they can survive the test of time.
would I marry if I'm not in a relationship now and I'm growing older?
of your age, you can still marry if God wills. The relationship you should be
involved in should be the one that has marriage in view. Wait patiently till your own spouse come. Furthermore, you may
wish to ignore the thought of your age or stop celebrating your birthday and
delete age on Facebook. You can marry at any time, and I mean it. Forget all
forms of desperation. It is irrational to think that you will not marry if you
are not in a relationship now. People get married when they meet the person
that marries them, not necessarily when they are in relationships.
my family is not in support of my relationship and I don't want to give up,
what should I do?
the family is not in support and God is in
support, you need to wait for God to help the family to be in support. If the
family is in support but God is not in support, there may be a disaster. This implies that we should be more
conscious of getting God's support. You can't be tempted more than you can
bear. So if God is in support, the family temptation is small. God will resolve
the matter. You may be required to wait patiently while praying the right kind
of prayer, like asking God to let his will be done.
you have seen a man you want to marry, both of you have agreed, but he doesn't
have enough money yet to carry out the marital rites, as a lady what do you do,
especially if both of you are not getting any younger?
Answer: Proverbs 18:22 says "He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor
from the Lord".
A wife is a good thing,
and the favour from the Lord is found when
someone finds a wife. This implies that if the person doesn't have money to
settle the bride's family, God has the responsibility to provide. When I met my
wife I didn't have enough money. I just got a job and met my wife a few months
later and I decided to marry after a year of meeting her. I was still living in
a postgraduate hostel, so there was no accommodation when I decided to marry.
One day she reminded me
that he that finds a wife will obtain favour from the Lord, so we started
praying and trusting God for favour. We both operated in different states and
speak mostly on phone. So God answered our prayer and provided financial favour
and other favours. He gave me people that supported and volunteered to assist
in all angles. I'm charging the two persons concerned in this question and
others who may have similar issues to trust God for favour if truly it is the
will of God for them to marry.
Part two of this answer
is that there is no competition in the marriage ceremony. From personal
observations, most expensive weddings in the world do not last. This does not
mean one may not spend much money to do a wedding if he has. But in a situation
whereby he doesn't have too much money, he can do the wedding on a 'small
scale' basis; cut down unnecessary expenses, and spend money on only what is
necessary. I encourage people to cut their coat according to their size.
What really matters is
the family demands. If the man can satisfy the extended family demands, which
is not usually very expensive, (depending on the culture) he can negotiate with
the parents and do what he can afford.
If big outdoor TM
(Traditional Marriage) is not obtainable it doesn't make the marriage fail.
Small indoor TM can be organized with families and a few friends.
For the religious and/or
legal wedding, it's better to keep it at the barest minimum. Later in life, a ‘big’
marriage anniversary can be done to compensate for the small scale wedding (I
don't mean this at all). I observed that God can still make it big beyond your
expectations if it pleases him. Mine was relatively big, to the glory of God. I
never wanted a big wedding because I didn't have “big” money.
On the whole, I like it
when someone makes a move to visit the family with a bottle of drink and
declare intention, request for a marital list, and start gradual planning. It's
better than not doing anything.
Faith without work is
dead. If he believes God can favour him, he should take action. I'm sorry if
the financial state of the person is so bad that he cannot do anything. But if
he can buy a little drink, let him meet the girl's family and take up from
a guy gets a girl pregnant and after delivery, the guy in question runs away
what could be your advice?
suggests there was fornication (sexual immorality) between the guy and the
girl. In that case, they should repent and receive forgiveness from God. Since
the pregnancy is not a sin, after dealing with the sin of fornication, she
should move on to face the reality of her situation. She should not commit abortion.
She should confess her sin to her parents and plead for forgiveness and
acceptance. If the parents are not able to take care of her, she may consider
meeting a motherless baby’s home or orphanages for instance. I would encourage
her to make peace with herself and everyone; forgive the guy and move on. She
can still live a fulfilled life if she's able to handle the situation well. Of
course, that would be a lesson for her to keep herself till she's married.
Well! Pregnancy outside wedlock is risky,
especially when there was no marriage intention between the guy and the girl.
So nobody should force them to marry for marriage is done in love, not by
force. I've seen a few cases where a boy was forced to marry a girl he
impregnated. I also know someone who impregnated his girlfriend and later
promised to marry her. Both of them were students so the girl had to drop out
while the boy continued his education. The girl's parent took care of the child
and trained him. But the man later marry the girl.
For the guy in question,
if I see him, I would counsel him to take responsibility for fathering the
child, but I won't talk about marriage unless he wants to marry.
Note that having a child
for a guy is not a license for you to marry the guy. It is not a guarantee that
you are meant to marry each other. If both of you are not suitable to marry
each other, even with the birth of the child, both of you could be miserable in
if you know that your aunt’s/ friend's/neighbor's/colleague's husband is
sleeping around, maybe he has even made advances at you. Do you tell his spouse
knowing that it may end their marriage?
he is making advances at you, you just have to protect yourself as much as you
can. Bible says "Abstain from
appearances of evil", so you may literally avoid the man.
As per telling his wife,
that will be an offense on your part. Whatever he is doing may not concern you
much so you won't cause trouble. Of course, the wife might not believe you and
you may turn to be the family's enemy. However, if the man doesn't change, the
wife may catch him by herself. But if the man is making an attempt to have an
affair with you, you may consider telling your aunt and/or packing out of the
house. Again, it would be interesting if you can provide evidence of the man's
advances in terms of chat, talks, audio, or video. That is, you may secretly
record when the man is advancing at you so you can have evidence of your claim
while reporting to his wife. Of course, such a record should not be shared with
Moreover, if your life is
at risk, and your aunt can’t control the situation you may report the matter to
appropriate authority or register a case of sexual harassment against the man
(as the last option).
if a married man is making advances at you, what do you do?
have to avoid him as much as possible. Don't collect recharge cards, don't
accept cash transfer, and don’t accept cash or other gift items. In fact, don't
give him room to attack you! If you can see him as a 'devil' and resist him he
will flee from you.
Note that, the advances
he is making may end in fornication or adultery and that is not right. What if
someone does it to your husband (I don't mean you)? So, ladies don't play with
someone's husband. Husbands try as much as possible to be satisfied only with
it good to chat with married men?
don't play with these things! If a married man is sending you to love chats,
know that you are already in trouble. He is digging a pit for you to fall into.
If you respond to the chat, you are the one that is digging your own pit. I
counsel you not to continue in such an evil chat. You may wish to block the man
in all your social media platforms. You have the right not to respond to
someone's chat or block the person to protect your life and destiny. Above all else, guard your heart, for
everything you do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23).
This is one of the
reasons I tell people not to relax in any relationship that marriage is not the
focus. Even if you do not marry the person at the end, but at least let it be
that you were not just wasting your energy in the relationship; that you were
focusing on marriage, and it didn’t work out. People get worn out due to
unnecessary relationships. Some get drained of positive emotions and love
before they meet the person that wants to marry them. Some have wasted their
positive emotions and nothing is left for their spouse than negative emotions
such as anger, fear, jealousy, and envy. Please be guided properly.
you are looking for a job and your boss demands sex before giving you the job;
and even after the sex, the job is still being denied, what's your advice?
is another recurring crime. Well, if the job is denied after the sex it's
better. Maybe, when you recover from the pain you will realize that you were
not acting wisely.
Please, sex is not a means
of getting a job, grade, or winning favour from men. God created it for a
specific purpose, and it should be used for just that purpose.
I have heard people say
that they use what they have to get what they want ..., change if you are like
that. If your boss demands sex before giving you a job, it's an indication that
the job is not for you. You may have to trust God for a better job rather than
to give sex in exchange for a job.
If you give sex and the
job is denied, don't curse the man, rather repent and turn to God. See how
stupid you were and ask God for mercy. I think thereafter God may clean you up
and restore you back!
you find yourself having sex with a stranger in the dream what do you do?
sex in a dream with a stranger.... The question is, are you having sex
Another question is, how
old are you? Do you masturbate? Do you watch pornography? Do you listen to
immoral songs or watch immoral movies? Do
you lust sexually? Any of those questions may contribute to having sex in the
dream. Therefore, you may have to trace the cause of it to be able to find
solutions to it.
Many times, sex in the
dream may be as a result of your thoughts process or imaginations, maybe in
connection with your sexual development. Find out all these so solutions can be
given! I suggest you chat privately for a more specific answer.
you're in a relationship and your man always demands your nude pics and pics of
your private part during your period and the instrument used, please what's
man may have a serious problem that needs urgent remedy. Anyway, such demands
may be a result of accumulated impurities, immoralities, and overflow of
wickedness in the relationship. I suspect that a lot of bad stuff may be
happening before the man can get to that level. Maybe he has seen the private
part physically before, or maybe he will soon see.
Again, it shows the lady
in question is lacking standards, principles, values, and morals. She is not
fit to have a man yet. She should learn who she is and her value. She should
discover her creator and her value. Earnestly speaking, that lady should lock
herself up and learn the value of a woman before accepting any man to come near
her. Hence, she may mess up her womanhood.
Now, to the other end, I
think the man is just a playboy that is yet to discover what it means to be a
man. Maybe he has not discovered who created him and why he was created. He
For the relationship,
please don't call that one relationship. There is a need for them to end up
whatever they are doing, repent, and start serious learning.
do you do when you have a gift and a uniqueness and you know deep down inside
that this is who you are and what you're meant for, but then, the people around
you do not appreciate your gift and then the environment is not conducive
enough for the gift to thrive?
answer I can give to this question may not be deep enough to settle the whole
matter. Thus, you may have to chat me up privately so I can understand you well
and be able to give adequate counsel.
However, I'll give these
Your gift and uniqueness unfold well when
you have received Holy Spirit. I have seen people that were unique in certain
ways but the moment they receive Holy Spirit they started seeing their real
gift and uniqueness. Assuming you have not received Holy Spirit yet, you may
need to do that so you can be sure of your gift and uniqueness.
Gift and uniqueness manifest with time.
God usually makes all things beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3, 11).
Therefore, your gift and uniqueness will blossom only in its time.
It's true that people around you may not
appreciate your gifts, partly because they don't understand it, and partly
because the gift doesn’t make sense to them. However, people's reactions should
not bother you. It is irrational to think that people should accept easily
accept you. Some will accept the gift and uniqueness when it has matured enough
to be recognized by all. So, at the moment it good to walk in faith, hope, and
love, while trusting God for a time your gift will be celebrated.
The gift is not from men but from God.
Therefore, you don't need men but you need God. I believe God appreciates the gift
because He gave it to you. So look unto Him (Hebrews 12:2).
The unconducive environment may not matter
for a gift. I believe God created a gift also designed environment where the
gift will thrive. Thus, you have to turn to God to take you to the right
environment for your gift.
Joseph had a similar case. His people did not appreciate his gift and the
environment was not conducive for the gift to thrive. Therefore, God arranged
for people who appreciate a gift and a better environment for the gift.
I would encourage you to
trust God more. Read about Joseph in Genesis 37-42; and Psalm 105. Also, read
bout Moses, David, and Jesus in the Bible, who were all born in an unconducive
environment, and they were surrounded by people who did not appreciate their
gift and uniqueness. But all of them fulfilled their destiny. If they did, you
just read your article "Three Levels of Relationship" and I think
standing on this generation saying no to dating is just like saying no
indirectly to marriage because every partner wants to have a better
understanding about his partner before marriage, I stand to be corrected
though, I think sex during dating should be condemned and prevented and not a
relationship in total...I wish to be clarified please on this if you think I'm
love this question because I feel many people have this in mind. Let me
acknowledge that you visit our blog http://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/
. I have addressed many issues regarding your question in different articles. Read
“Fact about Dating” and all the
questions regarding how one can marry will be answered. Also, read "Do I really need a boyfriend?",
"15 false things people say about
boyfriend/girlfriend Relationship" and "read Engagement and Courtship" and other articles you
may find relevant to your question.
But let me clarify that I don't condemn relationships,
but I teach a better relationship you can be. It's true that you can't just
jump into marriage. But I encourage people to define relationships before they
get serious in it. There is acquaintanceship, there is friendship, there is
dating, there is boy-girl friendship, there is courtship, and there is
engagement. All these are forms of relationship people talk about. But I teach
people to define each relationship in context, set aims and objectives, and
then predict what would be the end of the relationship. The purpose of every
relationship should be known from the beginning. That's my position!
always aims at marriage in the first phase but time would tell if it would,
most guys hardly tell girls their intentions during a relationship, one just
guess based on the attitude of the follow partner...some relationship that
seems not to have marriage goals at the beginning mostly end up in marriage...
to be sincere I’m still not convinced, or do you suggest we begin to pray
before entering every relationship to know if it would lead to marriage?....
For the articles recommended thanks, I would read it.
dear, in the beginning, it was not so. I
do agree that most relationships that seem not to have marriage goals at the
beginning mostly end up in a marriage. But this did not happen because they
were 'dating'. It was just a normal platonic relationship or friendship that
evolved into a marriage relationship. The
standard is that you should know why you are in a relationship. If the guy has
not said it, he has not said it. It is dangerous to assume that a serious
relationship will end in marriage when such intention is not known to both
If the purpose of a
relationship is marriage, that relationship is not called ‘boyfriend/girlfriend
relationship’. I counsel people to always check the meaning of the relationship
they want to enter so they won't enter a wrong one; also, to remember to state
the purpose of the relationship clearly before they commit themselves into it.
If it is not good to travel to an unknown destination, then it is not good to
begin a relationship without foreknowledge of where you are going in the
relationship. Don’t think of surprising yourself or your relationship partner.
Ask questions to know where you are heading to; whether death of life. This
does not mean you cannot be someone’s friend and maintain the scope and
jurisdiction of the friendship.
you said that the purpose of every relationship should be known from the
beginning. Then my question is, is it proper for a girl to open her mouth and
ask his friend the purpose of their relationship?
if a girl wants to be serious with a guy, I think both of them should talk
about the purpose of the relationship. If the guy doesn't say it and he is
'making advances', the girl should ask or be unserious in the relationship
(friendship), and set proper boundaries. As
a matter of fact, a girl should not be serious with a guy that has not openly
talk about marriage.
Many guys can be friends
with ladies without any intention to marry and the ladies will be having painful
hope. In view of this, it's important to wait for the guy to open up his
intention, before you have hope. But if you can't wait, and his 'signal' is too
much, ask him what his intention is or give him a reasonable gap.
you made me understand that the cognitive level of relationship is when I seek
to know God's will over my relationship. Then, does it mean that he will like
to talk to me verbally?
I'm going to give a short answer to this. I will soon post an article on how to
understand the will of God in a relationship. God may speak verbally if He
wishes, and He can use any other method to speak to you.
However, if you want to
understand the will of God, you must first present your life as a living
sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God. Secondly,
you must be transformed by the renewing of your mind with the word of God
(Romans 12:1-2). Your motive and conscience must be cleansed with the blood of
Jesus consistently before the will of God will be clearer to you.
But note that the will of
God covers every area of our lives. We are to live according to His will. Thus,
His will is not something we want to know when we are in a crossroads. If we
live according to the will of God, we may know the right spouse for us without
much struggle. So it important we start
being concerned about fitting our lives in God's will so our choice of a spouse
will be easier. Read the book titled "Guided
by the Spirit" by Pastor Bankie.
It simplifies the whole issue of hearing God and being led by the Spirit.
in the questions, I saw something in your article that points at being sure if a
man I want to marry will help me achieve my God-given purpose. So, in this
case, sir, I need a clearer explanation on those terms "God-given
created you for a specific purpose, and the person you marry should help you
fulfill that. If you marry wrongly, your marriage may be the reason you don't
fulfill your purpose on Earth. So it's important that your spouse is suitable
for your purpose. This doesn't mean the person will do the same thing you are
doing (though he may). But the person will fit into your life to the extent
that he helps you to fulfill your purpose, while you also help him to fulfill
his own purpose. That means marriage is complementary in nature. The right or
suitable partners do complement each other. This is why it is extremely important
you seek God's help to marry a man that can really fit into your life.
Again, the purpose is
another teaching that takes time to understand. You need to learn it in a pure purpose
in the Cognitive level of Relationship (in your article), you talked about
discussing my past experiences with my partner. Sir, there are some experiences
that may be too delicate to talk about because my partner may use it against me
in the future. So, in this case, sir, what do you advise me to do?
challenge you may have is that that experience may not be totally hidden in the
future. When it is revealed in the future, it usually breaks trust. He may not
trust you again.
If you tell him and he
uses it against you, it shows he doesn't love you the way Christ loves the
church. Christ didn't use our mess against us. So, one of the signs that he
loves you is that your bad experiences will not move him.
Moreover, a sign that you
are completely healed or free from emotional baggage is that you discuss the
past without fear.
The final point on this
is that Adam and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed. The nakedness of
husband and wife should not be only physical. It should cover their past
experiences and every aspect of their life.
question is: when you are in a relationship that has lasted for a year, and the
man is making an assurance that you will be his wife, but insisting that both
of you will have sex before getting married to each other while knowing full
well that is not good exposing your nakedness to a man that is not yet your husband.
Please what could be a remedy to this?
for bringing this up. It's a serious issue in an ungodly relationship. I will
still point you to read the value of a woman; http://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=29
If you value your womanhood
you will prefer to quit the relationship than to let go of your nakedness. I
strongly believe that if that man is meant to marry you he will repent and
marry you before demanding for sex. Don't be threatened with the promise to
marry and disgrace yourself before a man. Let him carry his problem and go to
another woman that doesn't have value.
Lastly, the length of a
relationship doesn't qualify anybody to have sex. Sex is permitted only in
marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1; Hebrews 13:4). If it's done outside marriage, even
with close relationship partners, it is a sin before God. Therefore, it must be
kept Holy till marriage!
times you will hear people saying that not every woman is meant to marry and when
you look around its quite obvious, but I want to know, is it that they are
lacking values or they are destined not to get married.
Some people (males and females) are
actually destined not to marry, for the sake of the kingdom of God. Also, some
people made a personal decision not to marry for the sake of the kingdom of
God. Again some other people may not marry because they have malfunctioning
But note that the
decision to marry or not to marry is better taken for the sake of the kingdom
of God. It's not meant to be for personal reasons, except in the case of
impotency or other medical, spiritual, psychological, or financial issues that
will make marriage impossible.
Look at what Jesus said
in Matthew 19:10-12;
The disciples said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is
like this, it is better not to marry.” 11) But He said to them, “Not all men
can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. 12) For
there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there
are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are also eunuchs who made
themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept
this, let him accept it.”
The second part of my answer is that some
people are not married because they are lacking values. I can give examples
Some people lack the
values and still marry. Maybe enjoy less than they would. But some people
cannot attract the right person they should marry because of a lack of values.
I think the values are more important than marriage itself because those values
are still the elements of a successful marriage. http://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=29
have a question, please is it advisable for a lady of 22 years to marry a man
of 38 years.
answer I am giving to this question is based on an assumption that all other
factors regarding choosing a life partner are taken into consideration. What I
mean is this, age alone may not be what one needs to consider. There are many
other important things to put into consideration before accepting to marry
someone. I would even say that age is one of the least factors. Some people may
ignore it, while others may think about it. Someone who is thinking about age
difference or seeing it as a determinant factor in a marriage decision should
note the following:
There is no clear instruction from God
regarding what should be the age difference between husband and wife.
Therefore, one can accept any age difference that is applied to his/her
A lady of 22 years is up to the age of
independence and biological productivity. Legally and traditionally she is
qualified to marry. Her body is developed to the point that she can withstand
certain physical and biological pressure attached to marriage. So she can marry
a man that is older than her if she is comfortable with it.
A man that is 38 years old is
biologically, and physically fit to marry a 22 years old lady if he wants.
There's no law or regulation stopping him from doing so. He is very agile and
In marriage, there is a likelihood for a
blend in terms of physical look after some years of living together as husband
and wife. Biologically, it is proven that as husband and wife keep engaging in
sex, the younger spouse may look older while the older spouse may look younger.
So as they grow older, the age limit may not be noticed in terms of how they
look. Maybe this may not be applied in all cases.
The last thing I would say is that, if the
intending couples are comfortable with their age difference, they should go
ahead and marry for there is no harm in it. But if they have an argument about
it, they should settle the argument or separate.
Moreover, other factors
The will of God.
The possibility of complementing each
The possibility of fulfilling God's purpose
if married the person.
The possibility of pleasing God in the
The possibility of not regretting the
choice etc. should be given utmost priority.
I hope this would help.
But if you need further explanation, don't hesitate to seek for it. Thanks!
girls are sexually insatiable, how will one cope with such if they married
without knowing their edge?
Can you throw a little
light on these as well?
With all these new fresh
goodies (girls) popping up daily, you can't be having sex with your wife alone. “At times, there's need to cool off elsewhere.”
What do you do when she's
not in the mood? Do you starve yourself?
I won't talk much about this. I will rather refer you to God's standard on this
matter. The challenge most people have is the inability to seek for truth in
every matter. The truth may not be found in religion, movies, culture,
tradition, philosophies, or men's opinion. The truth about every matter is
found in the Maker's manual. The Maker of
marriage is God. Therefore, we can only find the truth about marriage in the
words of God. Any marriage principle that disagrees with scriptures should not
be followed. Scriptures cannot be broken, and it cannot be wrong. So it's the
most accurate reference anyone can use regarding any matter. Hence, I will
refer to it to answer your question.
is meant to be ONLY with your WIFE. If you do it with any other
person you will be charged with the case of adultery, and that is punishable by
God. "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to
be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers, God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4).
Do you want God to judge
you on this matter? Do you want to die and go to hell? “But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral,
sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which
burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death” (Revelation 21:8).
Brother, settle it in
your mind that your wife will be the only one you have sex with, to save your
soul from eternal destruction.
5:15-20; 15 Now, about sex and marriage: Drink only the water that comes from your
own well, 16) and don't let your water flow out into the streets. 17 Keep it
for yourself, and don't share it with strangers. 18 Be happy with your own
wife. Enjoy the woman you married while you were young. 19 She is like a
beautiful deer, a lovely fawn. Let her love satisfy you completely. Stay drunk
on her love, 20, and don't go stumbling into the arms of another woman.
third evidence: 1
Corinthians 7:3-5; 3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual
needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives
authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over
his body to his wife. 5) Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless
you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can
give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together
again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of
self-control: Self-control is the ability to control
emotions, desires, needs, and wants, especially in difficult and challenging
situations. There may be times that your wife is not comfortable with sex due
to her physical, spiritual, or biological conditions, and you need to control
yourself in such situations. For instance, when she is pregnant, she may not be
actively involved in sex and when she just put to bed; her body may not be due
for sex. Thus, there should be proper self-control in such situations. You need
patience, knowledge, understanding, faith, love, and perseverance to build
self-control. Don't wait till you marry, start now to acquire all these.
proper communication: When you get married, plan to communicate
properly and adequately about sex with your wife. Plan to get to understand how
she feels about it, the right time to engage in it, and so on.
proper sex orientation and reorientation before you marry:
There is a need for you to get proper sex orientation and reorientation before
you get married. Marriage is not all about sex. That is not all you will
experience. But sex holds a vital position in marriage. Therefore, you need to
be properly taught before you marry.
enter marriage with an evil plan: For instance, saying that
you will have 'side chick', to have
an affair when your wife is not in the mood is an evil plan. It's important you
repent and have a change of mind before you marry.
this: "Everything is pure for someone whose
heart is pure. But nothing is pure for an unbeliever with a dirty mind. That
person's mind and conscience are destroyed" (Titus
1:15). I encourage you to maintain a pure heart as you work
towards your marriage! God bless you!
28: Good day sir! Sir please I want to
ask. How close should you be with your partner, like intending couples? Some of
my friends ask me this question.
Is it proper to visit him in his house
and vice versa, like hold hands? Etc. To what extent should we be close?
is a need for intending couples to be close to each other in the spirit and
soul. But they should not be close in the body. That implies that there is a
need for physical distancing to avoid body closeness.
Take, for instance, if
they have close body contact in a conducive environment, they may engage in
premarital sexual acts like kissing, fondling, or sleeping. If that happens, it
will destroy their marriage foundations and set them up for failure. Some
people may even break the engagement after sleeping together. Some religious
denominations may sanction or excommunicate them for abusing their
relationship. More dangerously, God may give them punishment. For these reasons
and many more, physical distancing is highly recommended for the intending couples.
Note that they already have affection for each other. They are emotional and
may easily be attracted sexually.
Does it mean they won't
meet when necessary? They should meet in open places.
They should not be tempted to spend the night together in the same room. They
should not be tempted to lie down in the same bed, even in the day time. They
should not be tempted to sit in another's laps.
But how would they build
intimacy? The intimacy aspect of relationships is
very important. The intending couples should endeavour to know themselves
deeper before they get married. That may happen through frequent detailed
discussions and interactions. They are to be talking about everything frankly,
sharing their opinions on every matter, disagree and agree through phone calls,
social media chats, and discussions in public places like eateries,
restaurants, offices, schools, relaxation centers, among others. This will help
to build their soul intimacy. They will get to know how each other thinks,
behaves, and reasons. Their philosophies and ideologies of life will be known
as they keep discussing with each other frequently. To this end, there should
be openness from both parties. Nothing should be hidden. No one should pretend
about anything. All the mess should be shared together. Opinions should be
aired freely to help them know each other better.
Another way to build
intimacy is to create unity and agreement in the spirit. This can be done by
reading the same spiritual books, sharing scriptures, dreams, visions,
prophetic encounters and experiences, attending spiritual programs together,
and praying together.
Should they visit each
other's homes? Yes of course! But the best time should be
in the day when their faces are bright. The purpose of such a visit should be
to associate with the family members of each other. It should not be to spend a
night, cook, wash clothes, or do farm work. It should be purely for
introduction, familiarity, and orientation. If the home address is far, there
should be provision for the visiting person to sleep in a hotel or a guest room
Obedience to these simple
rules will not harm anyone. It will rather produce a godly marriage whose
builder and maker is God. Anyone reading is free to let me know his/her own
opinion about this. You are free to disagree with me and prove your points! I
will be glad to hear your opinion.
always have this problem of meeting people who always want sex in a relationship.
One even said I don't have affection, that I don't love him and all that.
Please I need to know why most men have that kind of mentality.
Answer: Many reasons can be given
to why men demand sex in their relationships. But knowing the reasons behind
their mentality won't solve the problem for you. Instead, know how you can keep
yourself away from their trap.
What untransformed men
call "love" is having sex. If you refuse to sleep with them, they
think you don't have affection for them. But that shouldn't be a problem in as
much as you have not fallen into their trap. Your affection is meant to be for
your husband, and you are to sleep with him on the wedding night. I would
suggest you read one of my articles, "Getting
it Right on Relationship Matters" Click here: https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=20.
It reveals the will of God in a relationship. It takes the grace of God through
His Spirit for a young woman to live without having sex until marriage. You
really need to grow in the knowledge of God and His Spirit. Now, these are the
things I think you can do to help you stay safe from men:
Don't be in any relationship that is not
focusing on marriage. That is until a man is ready to marry you, and you are
interested in him, don't accept being in a relationship.
Understand how deadly boyfriends are and
stay away from them.
Understand that dating will lead to sex.
Stay away from it.
Understand that without God you will fall,
and then love Him more by reading and obeying His word. I recommend that you
master these scriptures and obey them (1 Corinthians 6:12-20; 2 Corinthians
6:14-18; 1 Thessalonians 5:22; Revelations 21:8; Ezekiel 18:20). Please make
sure you keep these scriptures in your heart and remember them always.
119:9 says "9 How can a young man
keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word."
Learn from some of my articles. I have
written about Engagement, Courtship, Dating, Boyfriends, Etc. Check them here: https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/
If a man wants to marry you and you enter
into a relationship with him, set some Godly boundaries. E.g., No visit in a
closed environment, no undressing in front of him, no kissing, no fondling, no
sleeping together on the same bed, no viewing of nude pictures or private part
Be transparent in your relationship. Talk
about it with the right person who can give you wise counsel or talk to you in
a godly way.
Unfriend ungodly male and female friends.
Stop watching Non-Christian movies.
Stop listening to worldly songs.
Equip yourself with godly friends that
obey the word of God.
Equip yourself with Spirit-filled songs
Seek wise counselling on any matter you
are confused about.
Pray and study your Bible every day in the
name of Jesus Christ, through the help of the Holy Spirit.
Don't watch pornography or be a friend of
someone that watches.
Don't dress or appear in a seductive,
suggestive, or romantic way. Always be a God-fearing lady in words, deeds, and
appearances. I hope obedience to all these will help.
Please o how do I discover my purpose on
earth? My birthday is coming again and I’m not so sure about my purpose, though
I know the things I have passion for. Can different people have the same
still editing a detailed write-up on purpose discovery. Watch out for when it
will be published so you get more information. But in the meantime, I can circulate
some books on that important subject, and I can attend to individual cases on
Regarding the question
"Can different people have the same purpose?", my answer is people
may have a similar purpose. Different people may do the same thing in different
ways. What you discovered to be your unique assignment may have been someone's
great assignment years ago. It may still be another person's assignment years
Even though we are
unique, we have similarities here and there. Also, since we are not living
physically on earth forever, God made provision for continuity of His
assignment on earth.
Also, for people that are
not able to fulfill their purpose, God creates other people to do those
unfulfilled purposes because God's purpose must be accomplished. If you fail
Him, He will raise up another to take up the same responsibility. Every failed
purpose is a call for replacement.
Nobody is created unless
there's an assignment for him/her. The fact that you are alive is an indication
that there is something you should do, and if you don't do it, you must have
Is it only you that can
do that thing? I don't think so. If you fail another person will come on board.
While you are doing it, another person may be doing a similar thing. God has so
many people He is using to fulfill His purpose. But that doesn’t mean one’s
unique work is not important. Even if millions of people are doing what you
believe to be your purpose, you still have to do your portion.
Everybody is meant to
serve a portion of the general purpose of God in his generation. Therefore, it
is important to discover it and work towards fulfilling it.
God always has many plans
regarding a matter. E.g. When Adam failed, Jesus came to replace Him, when
Moses died, Joshua continued the same mission, When Elijah was taken up, Elisha
was raised continue the mission, when Saul failed David was raised to take over
the throne. You can give as many examples as you can search through. All these
points to the fact that different people may have the same purpose, though they
may manifest it differently and at different times.
Lastly, note that your
passion may be an indication of purpose, but not purpose itself. Many people
have followed their passions and miss the divine purpose of God for their life.
So it is important to learn what exactly purpose is, and differentiate it from
other related concepts. But to provoke your thinking, I would like you to think
of purpose as being God’s intention for your life. While thinking about this,
bear in mind that your purpose is a portion of God’s overall purpose. In other
words, God created you so that you work in His purpose. Hence, it is not really
about you, but about God. Also, think of His calling, and think of the platform
in which He will love you to operate. Bear in mind that you may know in part at
the beginning. Therefore, obedience to the little part that you know will give
you access to more information regarding your purpose.
Your passion, if born out of love can
predict your purpose
Your strength, if powered by the Holy
Spirit, can predict your purpose.
Your spiritual gifts, if it's selfless,
can predict your purpose.
A problem that grieves your heart, if not
selfish, can predict your purpose.
Bad life experiences, if not
self-determined or consequences of sin, can predict your purpose.
Genuine spiritual encounters and prophetic
experiences can predict your purpose.
Your potentials, if not self-made, can
predict your purpose.
I will talk more about
this in the future!