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30 RELATIONSHIP, MARRIAGE AND LIFE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Posted By:  Mkpoikanke Otu on Aug 13, 2020  

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The questions and answers you are about to read were all posted on the OTUSUM COUNSELLING CLINIC WhatsApp group at different times and on different occasions. Some questions were not well constructed to portray a specific context, and that contributed to the non-contextual nature of some of the answers that were given. Nevertheless, some answers were pinned down to a particular context, while some were not. Also, some answers were given in details while some were succinct.

Question 1: How can a female handle getting mixed signals from a guy especially the one she likes and has an interest in?

Answer: Maybe, "having mixed signals" here means that the female is assuming that the guy loves her and has an interest in her. It could be that the guy is innocent about it and has no plan of love. That seems like a common issue female faces especially when they meet a guy that is nice, kind, and good. It's even worse when the guy in question is not conscious of the female's love emotions. There are many ways to handle this, depending on the circumstances surrounding it:

·         If the female loves and has an interest in the guy who is giving the mixed signals, she should hide her feelings. It's very important to hide that feeling of love and interest because the expression of it may invite the guy who had no intention to love and bring him closer. Some guys can take advantage of this and start a relationship that will not last. One of the worse things that can happen to a female is for a guy to feel loved and liked by her before the guy even pick interest in her. Therefore, if the female can hide her love towards a guy she would stand a chance to be loved by the guy if the guy finally shows up. Most times, hiding your love or interest from the guy would make the love and interest to vanish away. This is because sometimes the initial interest does not last and it's better it vanishes away.

·         The second thing I believe can be done is, if the interest persists after a period of "hiding", the female can talk to her mentor or counsellor or a responsible person about it.

·         Another thing that can be done is that, if there are social freedom and security in the environment the female and the guy are operating, the lady should observe if the guy has an interest in her, or if the guy is in a relationship with another person. If no interest is found, or if the guy is in a relationship, I think the female should help her life by letting go of her interest.

·         Finally, my counsel is if a guy has not proposed to a female, there is no need for the female to have an interest in the guy. Forget all the mixed signals and pretend as if you don't observe it.

Maybe, the same guy is giving five girls mixed signals. What's your fate if you continue to nurture your interest in him? What are your chances of winning his love? Instead of contesting for him, wait patiently for the real man to come. Remember, you are not to arouse and awake love until the right time comes (Song of Solomon 2:7). Keep your love for your husband, and don't mind his mixed signals!

Question 2: How can you overcome fear, fear of being rejected, fear of not trying anything you are not sure about because of failure, how can I overcome all these fears?

Answer: Fear is one of the negative emotions that often keep people stagnated in life. But the Goodness is that there is a remedy for this. And what are the remedies? The freedom from fear begins the moment one realizes that fear is his problem and looks for a solution. The quick things I can add to that is that the individual should:

·         Find out the specific things that are causing fears. Is it connected to what happened in the past? Have you had unpleasant experiences in the past?

·         How does the fear manifest?

·         What have you done already to overcome the fears?

·         How is the fear affecting your life?

·         What are the things you are unable to do because of the fears?  

I recommend that you read my article titled “Solution to Fear” for detailed information on how to deal with fear; https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=33 .

Question 3: In a situation where you have a friend who finds it difficult to talk to you when he is angry especially when he is badly treated, I mean, when you do something bad to the person unintentionally, he finds it difficult to talk to you, instead, he keeps face and rather talk to others and make you look like you don't exist, what do I do?

Answer: That's more like a general problem. Many people don't talk when they are angry while others talk more in anger. The reason is just the different ways people express their negative emotions. Keeping face, talking to others, and making you look like you don't exist could be his way of punishing you for the bad things you did to him. Neither his behaviour nor yours is perfect. So you may forgive yourselves and move on!

Remember this: (4)Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. (5) Love is not rude, it is not selfish, and it cannot be made angry easily. Love does not remember wrongs done against it. (6) Love is never happy when others do wrong, but it is always happy with the truth.” (2 Corinthians 13:4-6).

On a general note, you may handle it from your own perspective. That is, you may avoid making him angry as much as possible. That would mean you avoiding doing something bad to him. If that will not be possible, you can think of enduring and tolerating the situation and that would mean love. But be sure that tolerance and endurance are what you can do for a lifetime if you remain with him. Your efforts to change him may not work! You are the one to change!

Question 4: In a situation whereby your boyfriend breaks up with you, but he still wants to be your friend... what do you do?

Answer: Your boyfriend breaking up with you is fine! You have just been set free from unnecessary bondage. Him trying to be your friend... Well, I think that friendship may cause trouble if not handled with care. What if you end up in a relationship with him again? Do you want to be in bondage again? I would like you to read the articles I have written on boy-girl friendship; (1) https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=22; (2) https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=23 (3) https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=27

Question 5: What about a situation whereby your partner wants to get married in three years’ time because he wants to settle some investment, not like he's not comfortable enough to get married but just want to acquire more wealth, but you, in the other hand, want to be married very soon. Like in a year's time. What will you do?

Answer: Two of you must be in agreement regarding when the marriage ceremony should take place. Looking forward to marrying in one year's time is good if both of you agree. It will cut off the stress of being in a long-term relationship. However, one may wish to know the reason why you want to marry very soon. Is it because of age? Is it pride? Are you ambitious? Are you competing with others? Are you pregnant? Are you traveling out? Has the relationship lasted too long already? There are too many critical questions that should be considered to ascertain your motive. The reason you can give regarding why marriage should happen in a year's time would help me to give further counsel. Above all, are you certain about God's timing for the marriage? Are you afraid that if he doesn't marry you in the next one year, he may change his mind? Or are you afraid if you stay some more years you may fall?

It would be fine to ascertain God's timing because God makes all things beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). Whatever the case, two of you should have a concrete agreement regarding when the marriage should take place and reasons should be well known to all.

On the part of the man, is it that the marriage ceremony he is planning to do is too expensive and he needs to make some more money? Is it that bride price and marriage rites are expensive in your area? Is it that the person is already having sexual gratification and he is not in a hurry to do anything?

Sometimes, when intending couples are already deriving joy and sexual satisfaction from each other, the man may not consider marriage anytime soon. I know intending couples that have been together before I met them in 2004. I spoke with them this month (April 2020) and the man told me he was planning to do a wedding next month, but that the lockdown (as a way of contending the spread of COVID-19) has put it on hold. I was just wondering how long they have been in a relationship and living in immorality. The lady once told me that each time the man is planning to meet her family, there would be a financial constraint. Hmmm, financial constraint? The same man has bought more than one car and acquires many expensive properties within the period they have been in a relationship. It then dawned on me that the man is taking advantage of the fact that he is enjoying everything he would have enjoyed in marriage. Therefore, he doesn't see the need for marriage again. So the man is not in a hurry, but the woman is under self-pressure to marry as her age is now increasing 'faster' than usual.

The point I'm making here is that when one has given a man her body, soul, and spirit (sex) while the man is yet to marry her, he may delay the marriage to his maximal convenience. Therefore, wisdom demands that a woman holds those sweet things, including pet names until she is married.

Still on this, some men who do not normally want to marry someone they have been in a relationship with, and are unable to communicate this to the woman, may look for flimsy excuses to give and delay the marriage till the woman gets tired of waiting and find her way out of the relationship. Whatever is the case, it is wise to read the handwriting on the wall and interpret it well before a conclusion on who to marry is reached.

Moreover, it is good to find out the efforts that have been made since you guys agree to marry. I believe that the people that have agreed to marry should be working towards actualizing such a dream. That implies that, at least, there should be tentative dates for meeting the families, mentors, religious leaders, and other significant persons that will be recognized in the wedding ceremony. Estimate and other planning protocols should be observed gradually. I would like to have a one-on-one interaction with you to understand the true situation of your question and give specific counsel. Wisdom is profitable!

Question 6: What should a man/woman who is under pressure to marry but he/she hasn't seen his/her spouse do?

Answer: Both the man and woman should pray and wait upon the Lord; and the Bible says that they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. Marriage is a lifetime journey hence, it requires careful planning. It's best not to rush things now and regret later. Moreover, a man or woman who is under pressure to marry should seek wise counsel.

Question 7: What should someone who has three or more lovers, like all of them, and all of them want to marry him/her do to choose the right partner?

Answer: It will be easier if he/she has not had sex with all or a few of them. He/she should ask God. Like previously said, the person should watch and pray. More importantly, he/she should seek wise counsel. Again he/she should be willing to let go all if none is meant to marry him/her after counselling.

Question 8: How do I know if the person I'm in a relationship with is the right person I should marry?

Answer: Ask God and wait for His answer. If you go by qualities, you may fail because most good men will have the qualities you want, but it doesn't mean you can marry all of them. Again, some qualities that are not built on truth are situation-specific. It may wither away. This is why the fundamental qualities must not be ignored because they can survive the test of time.

Question 9: How would I marry if I'm not in a relationship now and I'm growing older?

Answer: Irrespective of your age, you can still marry if God wills. The relationship you should be involved in should be the one that has marriage in view. Wait patiently till your own spouse come. Furthermore, you may wish to ignore the thought of your age or stop celebrating your birthday and delete age on Facebook. You can marry at any time, and I mean it. Forget all forms of desperation. It is irrational to think that you will not marry if you are not in a relationship now. People get married when they meet the person that marries them, not necessarily when they are in relationships.

Question 10: If my family is not in support of my relationship and I don't want to give up, what should I do?

Answer: If the family is not in support and God is in support, you need to wait for God to help the family to be in support. If the family is in support but God is not in support, there may be a disaster. This implies that we should be more conscious of getting God's support. You can't be tempted more than you can bear. So if God is in support, the family temptation is small. God will resolve the matter. You may be required to wait patiently while praying the right kind of prayer, like asking God to let his will be done.

Question 11: If you have seen a man you want to marry, both of you have agreed, but he doesn't have enough money yet to carry out the marital rites, as a lady what do you do, especially if both of you are not getting any younger?

Answer: Proverbs 18:22 says "He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the Lord".

A wife is a good thing, and the favour from the Lord is found when someone finds a wife. This implies that if the person doesn't have money to settle the bride's family, God has the responsibility to provide. When I met my wife I didn't have enough money. I just got a job and met my wife a few months later and I decided to marry after a year of meeting her. I was still living in a postgraduate hostel, so there was no accommodation when I decided to marry.

One day she reminded me that he that finds a wife will obtain favour from the Lord, so we started praying and trusting God for favour. We both operated in different states and speak mostly on phone. So God answered our prayer and provided financial favour and other favours. He gave me people that supported and volunteered to assist in all angles. I'm charging the two persons concerned in this question and others who may have similar issues to trust God for favour if truly it is the will of God for them to marry.

Part two of this answer is that there is no competition in the marriage ceremony. From personal observations, most expensive weddings in the world do not last. This does not mean one may not spend much money to do a wedding if he has. But in a situation whereby he doesn't have too much money, he can do the wedding on a 'small scale' basis; cut down unnecessary expenses, and spend money on only what is necessary. I encourage people to cut their coat according to their size.

What really matters is the family demands. If the man can satisfy the extended family demands, which is not usually very expensive, (depending on the culture) he can negotiate with the parents and do what he can afford.

If big outdoor TM (Traditional Marriage) is not obtainable it doesn't make the marriage fail. Small indoor TM can be organized with families and a few friends.

For the religious and/or legal wedding, it's better to keep it at the barest minimum. Later in life, a ‘big’ marriage anniversary can be done to compensate for the small scale wedding (I don't mean this at all). I observed that God can still make it big beyond your expectations if it pleases him. Mine was relatively big, to the glory of God. I never wanted a big wedding because I didn't have “big” money.

On the whole, I like it when someone makes a move to visit the family with a bottle of drink and declare intention, request for a marital list, and start gradual planning. It's better than not doing anything.

Faith without work is dead. If he believes God can favour him, he should take action. I'm sorry if the financial state of the person is so bad that he cannot do anything. But if he can buy a little drink, let him meet the girl's family and take up from there.

Question 12: If a guy gets a girl pregnant and after delivery, the guy in question runs away what could be your advice?

Answer: That suggests there was fornication (sexual immorality) between the guy and the girl. In that case, they should repent and receive forgiveness from God. Since the pregnancy is not a sin, after dealing with the sin of fornication, she should move on to face the reality of her situation. She should not commit abortion. She should confess her sin to her parents and plead for forgiveness and acceptance. If the parents are not able to take care of her, she may consider meeting a motherless baby’s home or orphanages for instance. I would encourage her to make peace with herself and everyone; forgive the guy and move on. She can still live a fulfilled life if she's able to handle the situation well. Of course, that would be a lesson for her to keep herself till she's married.

 Well! Pregnancy outside wedlock is risky, especially when there was no marriage intention between the guy and the girl. So nobody should force them to marry for marriage is done in love, not by force. I've seen a few cases where a boy was forced to marry a girl he impregnated. I also know someone who impregnated his girlfriend and later promised to marry her. Both of them were students so the girl had to drop out while the boy continued his education. The girl's parent took care of the child and trained him. But the man later marry the girl.

For the guy in question, if I see him, I would counsel him to take responsibility for fathering the child, but I won't talk about marriage unless he wants to marry.

Note that having a child for a guy is not a license for you to marry the guy. It is not a guarantee that you are meant to marry each other. If both of you are not suitable to marry each other, even with the birth of the child, both of you could be miserable in a marriage.

Question 13: What if you know that your aunt’s/ friend's/neighbor's/colleague's husband is sleeping around, maybe he has even made advances at you. Do you tell his spouse knowing that it may end their marriage?

Answer: If he is making advances at you, you just have to protect yourself as much as you can. Bible says "Abstain from appearances of evil", so you may literally avoid the man.

As per telling his wife, that will be an offense on your part. Whatever he is doing may not concern you much so you won't cause trouble. Of course, the wife might not believe you and you may turn to be the family's enemy. However, if the man doesn't change, the wife may catch him by herself. But if the man is making an attempt to have an affair with you, you may consider telling your aunt and/or packing out of the house. Again, it would be interesting if you can provide evidence of the man's advances in terms of chat, talks, audio, or video. That is, you may secretly record when the man is advancing at you so you can have evidence of your claim while reporting to his wife. Of course, such a record should not be shared with anyone else.

Moreover, if your life is at risk, and your aunt can’t control the situation you may report the matter to appropriate authority or register a case of sexual harassment against the man (as the last option).

Question 14: What if a married man is making advances at you, what do you do?

Answer: You have to avoid him as much as possible. Don't collect recharge cards, don't accept cash transfer, and don’t accept cash or other gift items. In fact, don't give him room to attack you! If you can see him as a 'devil' and resist him he will flee from you.

Note that, the advances he is making may end in fornication or adultery and that is not right. What if someone does it to your husband (I don't mean you)? So, ladies don't play with someone's husband. Husbands try as much as possible to be satisfied only with your wife.

Question 15: Is it good to chat with married men?

Answer: Please, don't play with these things! If a married man is sending you to love chats, know that you are already in trouble. He is digging a pit for you to fall into. If you respond to the chat, you are the one that is digging your own pit. I counsel you not to continue in such an evil chat. You may wish to block the man in all your social media platforms. You have the right not to respond to someone's chat or block the person to protect your life and destiny. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23).

This is one of the reasons I tell people not to relax in any relationship that marriage is not the focus. Even if you do not marry the person at the end, but at least let it be that you were not just wasting your energy in the relationship; that you were focusing on marriage, and it didn’t work out. People get worn out due to unnecessary relationships. Some get drained of positive emotions and love before they meet the person that wants to marry them. Some have wasted their positive emotions and nothing is left for their spouse than negative emotions such as anger, fear, jealousy, and envy. Please be guided properly.

Question 16: Assuming you are looking for a job and your boss demands sex before giving you the job; and even after the sex, the job is still being denied, what's your advice?

Answer: This is another recurring crime. Well, if the job is denied after the sex it's better. Maybe, when you recover from the pain you will realize that you were not acting wisely.

Please, sex is not a means of getting a job, grade, or winning favour from men. God created it for a specific purpose, and it should be used for just that purpose.

I have heard people say that they use what they have to get what they want ..., change if you are like that. If your boss demands sex before giving you a job, it's an indication that the job is not for you. You may have to trust God for a better job rather than to give sex in exchange for a job.

If you give sex and the job is denied, don't curse the man, rather repent and turn to God. See how stupid you were and ask God for mercy. I think thereafter God may clean you up and restore you back!

Question 17: If you find yourself having sex with a stranger in the dream what do you do?

Answer: Having sex in a dream with a stranger.... The question is, are you having sex physically?

Another question is, how old are you? Do you masturbate? Do you watch pornography? Do you listen to immoral songs or watch immoral movies?  Do you lust sexually? Any of those questions may contribute to having sex in the dream. Therefore, you may have to trace the cause of it to be able to find solutions to it.

Many times, sex in the dream may be as a result of your thoughts process or imaginations, maybe in connection with your sexual development. Find out all these so solutions can be given! I suggest you chat privately for a more specific answer. 

Question 16: If you're in a relationship and your man always demands your nude pics and pics of your private part during your period and the instrument used, please what's your advice?

Answer: That man may have a serious problem that needs urgent remedy. Anyway, such demands may be a result of accumulated impurities, immoralities, and overflow of wickedness in the relationship. I suspect that a lot of bad stuff may be happening before the man can get to that level. Maybe he has seen the private part physically before, or maybe he will soon see.

Again, it shows the lady in question is lacking standards, principles, values, and morals. She is not fit to have a man yet. She should learn who she is and her value. She should discover her creator and her value. Earnestly speaking, that lady should lock herself up and learn the value of a woman before accepting any man to come near her. Hence, she may mess up her womanhood.

Now, to the other end, I think the man is just a playboy that is yet to discover what it means to be a man. Maybe he has not discovered who created him and why he was created. He needs counselling!

For the relationship, please don't call that one relationship. There is a need for them to end up whatever they are doing, repent, and start serious learning.

Question 17: What do you do when you have a gift and a uniqueness and you know deep down inside that this is who you are and what you're meant for, but then, the people around you do not appreciate your gift and then the environment is not conducive enough for the gift to thrive?

Answer: The answer I can give to this question may not be deep enough to settle the whole matter. Thus, you may have to chat me up privately so I can understand you well and be able to give adequate counsel.

However, I'll give these viewpoints:

·         Your gift and uniqueness unfold well when you have received Holy Spirit. I have seen people that were unique in certain ways but the moment they receive Holy Spirit they started seeing their real gift and uniqueness. Assuming you have not received Holy Spirit yet, you may need to do that so you can be sure of your gift and uniqueness.

·         Gift and uniqueness manifest with time. God usually makes all things beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3, 11). Therefore, your gift and uniqueness will blossom only in its time.

·         It's true that people around you may not appreciate your gifts, partly because they don't understand it, and partly because the gift doesn’t make sense to them. However, people's reactions should not bother you. It is irrational to think that people should accept easily accept you. Some will accept the gift and uniqueness when it has matured enough to be recognized by all. So, at the moment it good to walk in faith, hope, and love, while trusting God for a time your gift will be celebrated. 

·         The gift is not from men but from God. Therefore, you don't need men but you need God. I believe God appreciates the gift because He gave it to you. So look unto Him (Hebrews 12:2).

·         The unconducive environment may not matter for a gift. I believe God created a gift also designed environment where the gift will thrive. Thus, you have to turn to God to take you to the right environment for your gift.

N/B: Joseph had a similar case. His people did not appreciate his gift and the environment was not conducive for the gift to thrive. Therefore, God arranged for people who appreciate a gift and a better environment for the gift.

I would encourage you to trust God more. Read about Joseph in Genesis 37-42; and Psalm 105. Also, read bout Moses, David, and Jesus in the Bible, who were all born in an unconducive environment, and they were surrounded by people who did not appreciate their gift and uniqueness. But all of them fulfilled their destiny. If they did, you can do.

Question 18: I just read your article "Three Levels of Relationship" and I think standing on this generation saying no to dating is just like saying no indirectly to marriage because every partner wants to have a better understanding about his partner before marriage, I stand to be corrected though, I think sex during dating should be condemned and prevented and not a relationship in total...I wish to be clarified please on this if you think I'm wrong.

Answer: I love this question because I feel many people have this in mind. Let me acknowledge that you visit our blog http://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/ . I have addressed many issues regarding your question in different articles. Read “Fact about Dating” and all the questions regarding how one can marry will be answered. Also, read "Do I really need a boyfriend?", "15 false things people say about boyfriend/girlfriend Relationship" and "read Engagement and Courtship" and other articles you may find relevant to your question.

 But let me clarify that I don't condemn relationships, but I teach a better relationship you can be. It's true that you can't just jump into marriage. But I encourage people to define relationships before they get serious in it. There is acquaintanceship, there is friendship, there is dating, there is boy-girl friendship, there is courtship, and there is engagement. All these are forms of relationship people talk about. But I teach people to define each relationship in context, set aims and objectives, and then predict what would be the end of the relationship. The purpose of every relationship should be known from the beginning. That's my position!

Question 19: Relationship always aims at marriage in the first phase but time would tell if it would, most guys hardly tell girls their intentions during a relationship, one just guess based on the attitude of the follow partner...some relationship that seems not to have marriage goals at the beginning mostly end up in marriage... to be sincere I’m still not convinced, or do you suggest we begin to pray before entering every relationship to know if it would lead to marriage?.... For the articles recommended thanks, I would read it.

Answer: My dear, in the beginning, it was not so. I do agree that most relationships that seem not to have marriage goals at the beginning mostly end up in a marriage. But this did not happen because they were 'dating'. It was just a normal platonic relationship or friendship that evolved into a marriage relationship. The standard is that you should know why you are in a relationship. If the guy has not said it, he has not said it. It is dangerous to assume that a serious relationship will end in marriage when such intention is not known to both parties!

If the purpose of a relationship is marriage, that relationship is not called ‘boyfriend/girlfriend relationship’. I counsel people to always check the meaning of the relationship they want to enter so they won't enter a wrong one; also, to remember to state the purpose of the relationship clearly before they commit themselves into it. If it is not good to travel to an unknown destination, then it is not good to begin a relationship without foreknowledge of where you are going in the relationship. Don’t think of surprising yourself or your relationship partner. Ask questions to know where you are heading to; whether death of life. This does not mean you cannot be someone’s friend and maintain the scope and jurisdiction of the friendship.

Question 20: Sir, you said that the purpose of every relationship should be known from the beginning. Then my question is, is it proper for a girl to open her mouth and ask his friend the purpose of their relationship?

Answer: Well, if a girl wants to be serious with a guy, I think both of them should talk about the purpose of the relationship. If the guy doesn't say it and he is 'making advances', the girl should ask or be unserious in the relationship (friendship), and set proper boundaries. As a matter of fact, a girl should not be serious with a guy that has not openly talk about marriage.

Many guys can be friends with ladies without any intention to marry and the ladies will be having painful hope. In view of this, it's important to wait for the guy to open up his intention, before you have hope. But if you can't wait, and his 'signal' is too much, ask him what his intention is or give him a reasonable gap.

Question 21: Sir, you made me understand that the cognitive level of relationship is when I seek to know God's will over my relationship. Then, does it mean that he will like to talk to me verbally?

Answer: Apology, I'm going to give a short answer to this. I will soon post an article on how to understand the will of God in a relationship. God may speak verbally if He wishes, and He can use any other method to speak to you.

However, if you want to understand the will of God, you must first present your life as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God. Secondly, you must be transformed by the renewing of your mind with the word of God (Romans 12:1-2). Your motive and conscience must be cleansed with the blood of Jesus consistently before the will of God will be clearer to you.

But note that the will of God covers every area of our lives. We are to live according to His will. Thus, His will is not something we want to know when we are in a crossroads. If we live according to the will of God, we may know the right spouse for us without much struggle.  So it important we start being concerned about fitting our lives in God's will so our choice of a spouse will be easier. Read the book titled "Guided by the Spirit" by Pastor Bankie. It simplifies the whole issue of hearing God and being led by the Spirit.

Question 22: Also, in the questions, I saw something in your article that points at being sure if a man I want to marry will help me achieve my God-given purpose. So, in this case, sir, I need a clearer explanation on those terms "God-given purpose".

Answer: God created you for a specific purpose, and the person you marry should help you fulfill that. If you marry wrongly, your marriage may be the reason you don't fulfill your purpose on Earth. So it's important that your spouse is suitable for your purpose. This doesn't mean the person will do the same thing you are doing (though he may). But the person will fit into your life to the extent that he helps you to fulfill your purpose, while you also help him to fulfill his own purpose. That means marriage is complementary in nature. The right or suitable partners do complement each other. This is why it is extremely important you seek God's help to marry a man that can really fit into your life.

Again, the purpose is another teaching that takes time to understand. You need to learn it in a pure purpose discovery class.

Question 23: Sir, in the Cognitive level of Relationship (in your article), you talked about discussing my past experiences with my partner. Sir, there are some experiences that may be too delicate to talk about because my partner may use it against me in the future. So, in this case, sir, what do you advise me to do?

Answer: The challenge you may have is that that experience may not be totally hidden in the future. When it is revealed in the future, it usually breaks trust. He may not trust you again.

If you tell him and he uses it against you, it shows he doesn't love you the way Christ loves the church. Christ didn't use our mess against us. So, one of the signs that he loves you is that your bad experiences will not move him.

Moreover, a sign that you are completely healed or free from emotional baggage is that you discuss the past without fear.

The final point on this is that Adam and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed. The nakedness of husband and wife should not be only physical. It should cover their past experiences and every aspect of their life.

Question 24: My question is: when you are in a relationship that has lasted for a year, and the man is making an assurance that you will be his wife, but insisting that both of you will have sex before getting married to each other while knowing full well that is not good exposing your nakedness to a man that is not yet your husband. Please what could be a remedy to this?

Answer: Thanks for bringing this up. It's a serious issue in an ungodly relationship. I will still point you to read the value of a woman; http://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=29

If you value your womanhood you will prefer to quit the relationship than to let go of your nakedness. I strongly believe that if that man is meant to marry you he will repent and marry you before demanding for sex. Don't be threatened with the promise to marry and disgrace yourself before a man. Let him carry his problem and go to another woman that doesn't have value.

Lastly, the length of a relationship doesn't qualify anybody to have sex. Sex is permitted only in marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1; Hebrews 13:4). If it's done outside marriage, even with close relationship partners, it is a sin before God. Therefore, it must be kept Holy till marriage!

Question 25: Most times you will hear people saying that not every woman is meant to marry and when you look around its quite obvious, but I want to know, is it that they are lacking values or they are destined not to get married.

Answer:

·         Some people (males and females) are actually destined not to marry, for the sake of the kingdom of God. Also, some people made a personal decision not to marry for the sake of the kingdom of God. Again some other people may not marry because they have malfunctioning sexual organs.

But note that the decision to marry or not to marry is better taken for the sake of the kingdom of God. It's not meant to be for personal reasons, except in the case of impotency or other medical, spiritual, psychological, or financial issues that will make marriage impossible.

Look at what Jesus said in Matthew 19:10-12;

10) The disciples said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.” 11) But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. 12) For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”

·         The second part of my answer is that some people are not married because they are lacking values. I can give examples upon examples...

Some people lack the values and still marry. Maybe enjoy less than they would. But some people cannot attract the right person they should marry because of a lack of values. I think the values are more important than marriage itself because those values are still the elements of a successful marriage. http://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=29

Question 26: I have a question, please is it advisable for a lady of 22 years to marry a man of 38 years.

Answer: The answer I am giving to this question is based on an assumption that all other factors regarding choosing a life partner are taken into consideration. What I mean is this, age alone may not be what one needs to consider. There are many other important things to put into consideration before accepting to marry someone. I would even say that age is one of the least factors. Some people may ignore it, while others may think about it. Someone who is thinking about age difference or seeing it as a determinant factor in a marriage decision should note the following:

1.      There is no clear instruction from God regarding what should be the age difference between husband and wife. Therefore, one can accept any age difference that is applied to his/her marriage.

2.      A lady of 22 years is up to the age of independence and biological productivity. Legally and traditionally she is qualified to marry. Her body is developed to the point that she can withstand certain physical and biological pressure attached to marriage. So she can marry a man that is older than her if she is comfortable with it.

3.      A man that is 38 years old is biologically, and physically fit to marry a 22 years old lady if he wants. There's no law or regulation stopping him from doing so. He is very agile and productive.

4.      In marriage, there is a likelihood for a blend in terms of physical look after some years of living together as husband and wife. Biologically, it is proven that as husband and wife keep engaging in sex, the younger spouse may look older while the older spouse may look younger. So as they grow older, the age limit may not be noticed in terms of how they look. Maybe this may not be applied in all cases.

5.      The last thing I would say is that, if the intending couples are comfortable with their age difference, they should go ahead and marry for there is no harm in it. But if they have an argument about it, they should settle the argument or separate.

Moreover, other factors like;

(1)   The will of God.

(2)   The possibility of complementing each other.

(3)   The possibility of fulfilling God's purpose if married the person.

(4)   The possibility of pleasing God in the marriage.

(5)   The possibility of not regretting the choice etc. should be given utmost priority.

I hope this would help. But if you need further explanation, don't hesitate to seek for it. Thanks!

Question 27: Some girls are sexually insatiable, how will one cope with such if they married without knowing their edge?

Can you throw a little light on these as well?

With all these new fresh goodies (girls) popping up daily, you can't be having sex with your wife alone.  “At times, there's need to cool off elsewhere.”

What do you do when she's not in the mood? Do you starve yourself?

Answer: I won't talk much about this. I will rather refer you to God's standard on this matter. The challenge most people have is the inability to seek for truth in every matter. The truth may not be found in religion, movies, culture, tradition, philosophies, or men's opinion. The truth about every matter is found in the Maker's manual. The Maker of marriage is God. Therefore, we can only find the truth about marriage in the words of God. Any marriage principle that disagrees with scriptures should not be followed. Scriptures cannot be broken, and it cannot be wrong. So it's the most accurate reference anyone can use regarding any matter. Hence, I will refer to it to answer your question.

SEX is meant to be ONLY with your WIFE. If you do it with any other person you will be charged with the case of adultery, and that is punishable by God. "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers, God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4).

Do you want God to judge you on this matter? Do you want to die and go to hell? But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death” (Revelation 21:8).

Brother, settle it in your mind that your wife will be the only one you have sex with, to save your soul from eternal destruction.

Second evidence: Proverbs 5:15-20; 15 Now, about sex and marriage: Drink only the water that comes from your own well, 16) and don't let your water flow out into the streets. 17 Keep it for yourself, and don't share it with strangers. 18 Be happy with your own wife. Enjoy the woman you married while you were young. 19 She is like a beautiful deer, a lovely fawn. Let her love satisfy you completely. Stay drunk on her love, 20, and don't go stumbling into the arms of another woman.

The third evidence: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5; 3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5) Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Final thoughts:

Learn self-control: Self-control is the ability to control emotions, desires, needs, and wants, especially in difficult and challenging situations. There may be times that your wife is not comfortable with sex due to her physical, spiritual, or biological conditions, and you need to control yourself in such situations. For instance, when she is pregnant, she may not be actively involved in sex and when she just put to bed; her body may not be due for sex. Thus, there should be proper self-control in such situations. You need patience, knowledge, understanding, faith, love, and perseverance to build self-control. Don't wait till you marry, start now to acquire all these.

Keep proper communication: When you get married, plan to communicate properly and adequately about sex with your wife. Plan to get to understand how she feels about it, the right time to engage in it, and so on.

Get proper sex orientation and reorientation before you marry: There is a need for you to get proper sex orientation and reorientation before you get married. Marriage is not all about sex. That is not all you will experience. But sex holds a vital position in marriage. Therefore, you need to be properly taught before you marry. 

Don't enter marriage with an evil plan: For instance, saying that you will have 'side chick', to have an affair when your wife is not in the mood is an evil plan. It's important you repent and have a change of mind before you marry.

Remember this: "Everything is pure for someone whose heart is pure. But nothing is pure for an unbeliever with a dirty mind. That person's mind and conscience are destroyed" (Titus 1:15). I encourage you to maintain a pure heart as you work towards your marriage! God bless you!

Question 28: Good day sir! Sir please I want to ask. How close should you be with your partner, like intending couples? Some of my friends ask me this question. Is it proper to visit him in his house and vice versa, like hold hands? Etc. To what extent should we be close?

Answer: There is a need for intending couples to be close to each other in the spirit and soul. But they should not be close in the body. That implies that there is a need for physical distancing to avoid body closeness.

Take, for instance, if they have close body contact in a conducive environment, they may engage in premarital sexual acts like kissing, fondling, or sleeping. If that happens, it will destroy their marriage foundations and set them up for failure. Some people may even break the engagement after sleeping together. Some religious denominations may sanction or excommunicate them for abusing their relationship. More dangerously, God may give them punishment. For these reasons and many more, physical distancing is highly recommended for the intending couples. Note that they already have affection for each other. They are emotional and may easily be attracted sexually.

Does it mean they won't meet when necessary? They should meet in open places. They should not be tempted to spend the night together in the same room. They should not be tempted to lie down in the same bed, even in the day time. They should not be tempted to sit in another's laps.

But how would they build intimacy? The intimacy aspect of relationships is very important. The intending couples should endeavour to know themselves deeper before they get married. That may happen through frequent detailed discussions and interactions. They are to be talking about everything frankly, sharing their opinions on every matter, disagree and agree through phone calls, social media chats, and discussions in public places like eateries, restaurants, offices, schools, relaxation centers, among others. This will help to build their soul intimacy. They will get to know how each other thinks, behaves, and reasons. Their philosophies and ideologies of life will be known as they keep discussing with each other frequently. To this end, there should be openness from both parties. Nothing should be hidden. No one should pretend about anything. All the mess should be shared together. Opinions should be aired freely to help them know each other better.

Another way to build intimacy is to create unity and agreement in the spirit. This can be done by reading the same spiritual books, sharing scriptures, dreams, visions, prophetic encounters and experiences, attending spiritual programs together, and praying together.

Should they visit each other's homes? Yes of course! But the best time should be in the day when their faces are bright. The purpose of such a visit should be to associate with the family members of each other. It should not be to spend a night, cook, wash clothes, or do farm work. It should be purely for introduction, familiarity, and orientation. If the home address is far, there should be provision for the visiting person to sleep in a hotel or a guest room alone. 

Obedience to these simple rules will not harm anyone. It will rather produce a godly marriage whose builder and maker is God. Anyone reading is free to let me know his/her own opinion about this. You are free to disagree with me and prove your points! I will be glad to hear your opinion.

Question 29: I always have this problem of meeting people who always want sex in a relationship. One even said I don't have affection, that I don't love him and all that. Please I need to know why most men have that kind of mentality.

Answer: Many reasons can be given to why men demand sex in their relationships. But knowing the reasons behind their mentality won't solve the problem for you. Instead, know how you can keep yourself away from their trap.

What untransformed men call "love" is having sex. If you refuse to sleep with them, they think you don't have affection for them. But that shouldn't be a problem in as much as you have not fallen into their trap. Your affection is meant to be for your husband, and you are to sleep with him on the wedding night. I would suggest you read one of my articles, "Getting it Right on Relationship Matters" Click here: https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/read?post-id=20. It reveals the will of God in a relationship. It takes the grace of God through His Spirit for a young woman to live without having sex until marriage. You really need to grow in the knowledge of God and His Spirit. Now, these are the things I think you can do to help you stay safe from men:

1.      Don't be in any relationship that is not focusing on marriage. That is until a man is ready to marry you, and you are interested in him, don't accept being in a relationship.

2.      Understand how deadly boyfriends are and stay away from them.

3.      Understand that dating will lead to sex. Stay away from it.

4.      Understand that without God you will fall, and then love Him more by reading and obeying His word. I recommend that you master these scriptures and obey them (1 Corinthians 6:12-20; 2 Corinthians 6:14-18; 1 Thessalonians 5:22; Revelations 21:8; Ezekiel 18:20). Please make sure you keep these scriptures in your heart and remember them always.

Psalm 119:9 says "9 How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word."

5.      Learn from some of my articles. I have written about Engagement, Courtship, Dating, Boyfriends, Etc. Check them here: https://www.otusumconsult.com/blog/

6.      If a man wants to marry you and you enter into a relationship with him, set some Godly boundaries. E.g., No visit in a closed environment, no undressing in front of him, no kissing, no fondling, no sleeping together on the same bed, no viewing of nude pictures or private part and others.

7.      Be transparent in your relationship. Talk about it with the right person who can give you wise counsel or talk to you in a godly way.

8.      Unfriend ungodly male and female friends.

9.      Stop watching Non-Christian movies.

10.  Stop listening to worldly songs.

11.  Equip yourself with godly friends that obey the word of God.

12.  Equip yourself with Spirit-filled songs and movies.

13.  Seek wise counselling on any matter you are confused about.

14.  Pray and study your Bible every day in the name of Jesus Christ, through the help of the Holy Spirit.

15.  Don't watch pornography or be a friend of someone that watches.

16.  Don't dress or appear in a seductive, suggestive, or romantic way. Always be a God-fearing lady in words, deeds, and appearances. I hope obedience to all these will help.

Question 30: Please o how do I discover my purpose on earth? My birthday is coming again and I’m not so sure about my purpose, though I know the things I have passion for. Can different people have the same purpose?

Answer: I’m still editing a detailed write-up on purpose discovery. Watch out for when it will be published so you get more information. But in the meantime, I can circulate some books on that important subject, and I can attend to individual cases on that.

Regarding the question "Can different people have the same purpose?", my answer is people may have a similar purpose. Different people may do the same thing in different ways. What you discovered to be your unique assignment may have been someone's great assignment years ago. It may still be another person's assignment years to come.

Even though we are unique, we have similarities here and there. Also, since we are not living physically on earth forever, God made provision for continuity of His assignment on earth.

Also, for people that are not able to fulfill their purpose, God creates other people to do those unfulfilled purposes because God's purpose must be accomplished. If you fail Him, He will raise up another to take up the same responsibility. Every failed purpose is a call for replacement.

Nobody is created unless there's an assignment for him/her. The fact that you are alive is an indication that there is something you should do, and if you don't do it, you must have failed God.

Is it only you that can do that thing? I don't think so. If you fail another person will come on board. While you are doing it, another person may be doing a similar thing. God has so many people He is using to fulfill His purpose. But that doesn’t mean one’s unique work is not important. Even if millions of people are doing what you believe to be your purpose, you still have to do your portion.

Everybody is meant to serve a portion of the general purpose of God in his generation. Therefore, it is important to discover it and work towards fulfilling it.

God always has many plans regarding a matter. E.g. When Adam failed, Jesus came to replace Him, when Moses died, Joshua continued the same mission, When Elijah was taken up, Elisha was raised continue the mission, when Saul failed David was raised to take over the throne. You can give as many examples as you can search through. All these points to the fact that different people may have the same purpose, though they may manifest it differently and at different times.

Lastly, note that your passion may be an indication of purpose, but not purpose itself. Many people have followed their passions and miss the divine purpose of God for their life. So it is important to learn what exactly purpose is, and differentiate it from other related concepts. But to provoke your thinking, I would like you to think of purpose as being God’s intention for your life. While thinking about this, bear in mind that your purpose is a portion of God’s overall purpose. In other words, God created you so that you work in His purpose. Hence, it is not really about you, but about God. Also, think of His calling, and think of the platform in which He will love you to operate. Bear in mind that you may know in part at the beginning. Therefore, obedience to the little part that you know will give you access to more information regarding your purpose.

A quick check:

1.      Your passion, if born out of love can predict your purpose

2.      Your strength, if powered by the Holy Spirit, can predict your purpose.

3.      Your spiritual gifts, if it's selfless, can predict your purpose.

4.      A problem that grieves your heart, if not selfish, can predict your purpose.

5.      Bad life experiences, if not self-determined or consequences of sin, can predict your purpose.

6.      Genuine spiritual encounters and prophetic experiences can predict your purpose.

7.      Your potentials, if not self-made, can predict your purpose.

I will talk more about this in the future!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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